i am who i am
by totem
Summary: he's trying really hard to keep his family together but is the death of his mother to much. See the world from chris's eyes. After the death of his mother he is forced to take control ... of it all!
1. chapter 1

**I am who i am - part 1**

I'm just a kid, sure a kid that has gone through a hell of a lot more than most kids my age, but I'm not going to pretend that I am any more than that…not going to sit here and pretend I'm not who I am.

Well who am I! often I am not that sure my self of that. On paper I am the middle child of a mother, who died less the seven months ago. With a father who cares more about the good of the world and everyone in it except for me. Then there is my older brother who I see on the odd occasion that we happen to pass each others paths and a sister not much older than three who I have devoted my young life to.

It's funny how one day you can be one person, and the events of another day can force you to be another. Now I am living in this manor, where my family used to live. Funny how since my mom died I really do not see us, the three of us as a family anymore.

I'm seventeen now, mom died a week before my seventeenth birthday, I went from been 16 and free to seven teen and loaded down with responsibilities. Dad pops in every so often to see Clare and Wyatt, never to see me. I know why that is, why he never comes to see me…he thinks that I broke them apart, mom and himself…I was the mistake. He said it before, to my mom, to my face. To the whole family. Yet now here I am, the mistake…I look after his youngest and I try to look out for his first born. I am Chris Perry Haliwell.

The thing with my dad is that I will never be good enough or make up for the years he lost. Mom and Dad had Wyatt, then there was a whole situation where he had to become an elder, in a moment when they both thought that death was imminent they turned to each other for comfort. I was born from that, 'moment'. They still couldn't make it work and they broke. Dad came to see Wyatt all the time, but he couldn't look at me. I was the worst mistake to him because instead of bringing them back together I pushed them further apart. So from that moment he stayed up there most of the time accept to come and see Wyatt. Its how things worked for years and years but then, on one fate filled, apocalyptic day Mom and Dad they turned again to each other, but not for comfort this time, for love…it was love that created my baby sister Clare.

That was the difference; I think between us three Wyatt and Clare were made in a time of love. Where as I was something that came from comfort they took in each other in a time where there relationship was doomed. I was the hope, and when it failed, he failed me.

Mom died, and ever since then Paige had moved in with uncle Kyle and Kate, she's 16 now, only eight months younger than me. I was actually glad when they moved in, she's the one I talk to, always have… she is the only one who truly knows what happened to my mom, in detail anyway from the only eye witness me, well the only one that could talk of the horror Clare was there also. There are times I can not handle it, times I lose it but she's there to remind me that it's not all bad, the little bit of good in this world reminds me that I have to fight. It is what mom would have wanted.

Aunt Phoebe and Uncle Jason live with there two kids, Rick who is nine and Jamie who is two. They live across town. They are all really great, understanding and they withstand my anger and rage. That kind that engulfs me, on the odd occasions that I lose it and totally break down.

I still go to school; I'm in Kate's year, she helps me take care of Clare and get her to day care, things like that. She's been more of a sister to me than a cousin…more of a friend than a family member.

All in all my life is fairly messed up. But I have to be strong because Wyatt's on some kind of melt down and the young girl knows nothing…she wants her mom, longs for her but will never get her. Things are messed up…and I can do nothing to fix it only hold it together.


	2. chapter 2

**Monday 20th October 2018**

Today I awoke with the feeling of someone watching me, I wasn't wrong, lay next to me was Kate. When I looked into her eyes they were filled with sadness, "You okay?" She asked. I remember a feeling hitting me, an overwhelming sensation of comfort when she asked that, someone wanted to know how I was. Someone cared about me. Chris Haliwell. They gave a damn. I didn't answer though mostly because I was unsure of how I felt. Was I okay?

I had not slept much during the night. I was plagued with the memories of the god forsaken day seven months ago. I lay my head back down on the pillow and pushed my hand through my fairly long hair. "It was so real" I finally explained

"It always is" She wasn't wrong, She was the only person who knew what I went through.

"Yeah, tell me about it" I sighed, "Sorry I kept you awake"

"Hay man, don't be I'm here" I smiled; she was the only one that I believe when she said that, because she gave me no reason not to trust her. "Want to talk about it?" She asked, I thought a moment.

"Not now! I don't think I could but…thanks" I meant that, I really couldn't have lived that again.

She sat up on the bed her back facing me, I wondered sometimes why? Why did she do this for me. She was always there. "Do you think it will ever stop?" I asked, I don't know why I did. I was not even sure that I said it. It came out...

Kate turned to look at me, I saw that she wanted to say something to me that would comfort me, but she also knew that I needed the truth, "It'll take time" She finally said, "But I'll always be here." I smiled at her a smile filled with sadness and longing.

"Thanks" I the sat up from the bed and pushed back the covers, "I better go and check on Clare" I saw her nod and also stand up, I felt the need to say something. But couldn't bring myself to do it…

I walked past Wyatt's room, and like every morning knocked on the door, "Hay wy, man you coming down for break fast" I stayed there for a moment, not to sure why I mean did I really expect an answer? From him did I expect him to understand that I needed him, he never answered. I sighed, and continued on my way.

Pushing open the door I saw her, looking so small and helpless in the bed, tear stained face I know she remembers, what she saw, it all comes back like it does to me. She had her teddy clutched tight to her chest. "Hay Kiddo" I called out so that I made my presence clear the last thing that she needed was for me to walk in and scare her. As I stood in the doorway my heart broke, she looked so much like mom, a mother that she will never know. At least she has Paige and Phoebe…they'll look out for her, they can be like her mother figures, and there is always Kate.

I walked in and lifted her from the bed, "How about we get you ready and then get you some food?" The young girl wrapped her arms around my neck, I had to smile, she knew just how to give me comfort, she knew when I needed it.

"Cwiss, I see'd monstery man" her voice was quite, it was heart breaking…she didn't know what she was reliving. She just saw the same face in her sleep that of the man who killed our mother.

"It was a bad dream, your okay…I'll look after you" I promised, I also promised my mother I'd look after her but I failed. I won't fail again. "Love you" I told her, like I do every morning I wake her up and every night that I put her in this bed and sit until she closes her eyes and is deep in slumber.

"I love cwiss"

I smiled, and then lifted the small child up, "Shall we go say morning to Kate?" I asked knowing full well what her reaction would be.

"Yeah, Kate!" She called, as she dropped the teddy to the floor as I raised her onto my shoulders, she held onto the top of my head as we made our way down the hall way. We arrived at her door, and like we did every morning the scene Played out. I knocked the door and called through, "Kate, I have someone here to see you."

Kate opened the door and smiled, "Morning guys" This was it, the moment we both put on an act that everything was okay. Only when we were alone could we truly be open with our feelings but I could see through her act and she mine. Right now I could see sadness and worry. She was worrying about me, that I could tell.

Kate took Clare from my arms and I smiled, "Well you two can spend some time together while I grab a shower." I lent forward and kissed the little girls head. "Be good" I told her. Then looked at Kate, thanks, and I'm fine was the unspoken words we shared. Then I turned and headed back to my room stopping briefly out side Wyatt's room then continuing on my way.

Walking down the stairs I stopped, like I did every morning and looked at the spot where my mother died, it all replayed. Over by the clock, in the foyer that's where it happened. I remember it all down to every last detail. Maybe at some point I'll be able to talk about it…Not even Kate knows everything. Breaking me from my thoughts was Kyle walking through the foyer, "Hey sport" He called to me as he saw me on the stairs.

"Hay dude" I managed, Kyle was more of a dad to me than my dad had ever been, he was my father figure. Everything that I idolise, that I want to become.

"I'm off so I'll see you tonight" He smiled, before walking out the door. When It shut I cast one last glance at the clock, at the place my mother died and continued on my way.

When I walked into the kitchen Paige was stood there, "Morning" I called,

"Morning dude, how are you doing?" She asked,

"Good. You?" I asked,

"Well I'm going to be late for work but besides from that I'm alright. Is Wyatt coming down for breakfast?"

She asked the same question every morning, she must have known the answer by now, "I wouldn't hold your breath" I told her as I headed towards the fridge taking out a bottle of water I then headed over to the island and took a piece of apple that Paige was cutting up.

"Hay" She scolded

"Hay, I'm a growing kid" I used the same excuse since I could remember

"Yeah, yeah…sure" She mumbled

"Well I better be off. Guys you ready to go!" I called out to Clare and Kate. "See you Paige"

"See you dude" She called, "I'll be at the club later tonight the manager wants to have a meeting and Kyle will be out till late so it looks like you'll have the house to yourself okay" I just nodded, Paige and Kyle were out most of the time, they had to provide for not only there children but for us as well, I felt bad for them, they didn't ask for this but then again, neither did we.

I watched as she grabbed her stuff from the corner and called into where the others were, "Hay, guys I'm off. I'll see you later."

"See you mom" I hared Kate call, then Clare's voice could be hared, "Buy Pawgey"

"Bye honey, be back later" Was the last thing that I hared, then the doors shut and she headed down the car. I stood a second remembering the morning before my mother died, mom did the exact same thing, I wanted to relive that one moment when everything was okay. When life was good. Not perfect because life never was that but, it was good. I pushed it to the back of my head and started my day off.

I walked into the manor that night, the day had gone bad. I had crashed the car into another thankfully no one was hurt but he had done a lot of damage. I threw my backpack on the floor and the keys on the side. Kate walked through behind me with Clare in her arms. Laughing and smiling this little kid was happy. I had no idea why, I could have killed Clare and them both, Kate was sat in the passenger seat and Clare behind her. Thankfully it was my side that took the bulk of it.

"Are you okay?" Kate asked

She must have seen me rubbing my neck. It was a little stiff and my head was pounding but I was not going to tell her that. "Fine…" It was only after I had realised I had snapped at her. Turning around I caught the look on her face hurt and concern. I felt guilty, "Sorry…I…"

"Forget it, look you have had a hard day. It's fine."

Although my day had been hard, I was still in the wrong, "No Kate look I was bang out of order, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, look Clare and I are going to make dinner…" She explained, then cutting her off was the phone ringing, I sighed and walked over lifting it off the hook as Kate walked away into the kitchen.

"Hello?" I asked, a little too harshly,

"Hay to you to."

"Phoebe hay, sorry about that." I found myself apologising a lot for my actions lately

"Are you okay?" She was concerned, always worrying about me.

"Really bad day, crashed the car" I admitted,

"What! Are you okay? Is anyone hurt?"

"I took the most of it, Kate and Clare are fine…I'm good to. The car however not so good" I rested my banging head on the side of the doorframe, "you guys okay?" I asked, realising I have not enquired about them once since talking.

"We are all good honey, I was just wondering how you were holding up?"

"Tough" I explained, "But I'm a Haliwell, I can take it"

Phoebe laughed, I hared it fill the phone, "Yeah well you're your mother's son." An uncomfortable silence fell over us, mentioning mom around me was a brave task, Phoebe was no fool she knew how I could lose it, but for some reason I was not filled with anger, something else…sadness. I looked over at the clock, silent still. "She'd be proud of you Chris"

"You think, I mean I nearly killed her little girl today, and Paige wouldn't be too happy if she came home and her daughter was missing" Since I had smashed up the damn car all that I could think about was those, what ifs.

"Well Chris that never happened, it was an accident, you and I both know that accidents happen. You can not beat yourself up over it. Okay?"

Phoebe always tied to rationalise everything, "Thanks…" I stopped, "I better go help Kate and Clare…I'll talk to you later Phoebe"

"Okay Honey, have Paige call me when she gets in I kind of need a word."

"Will do" I assured her, "See you"

"Love you honey"

"You to" I then put the phone down and headed into the kitchen.

it was now nine o'clock and my head had gotten worse. Clare was having trouble sleeping so she was sat in my arms, I held here close as we watched some pointless commercial on the screen in front. I wasn't really paying attention I was thinking about the day, the week, the month and hell even the bloody year. This was one hell of a year and all I wanted was my brother to talk to me. Since mom died he hadn't spoke a word about how he was feeling, if I was okay. I resented the fact all the responsibilities had been shunted to me.

I hared the door shut, and then a voice fill the air, "Guys I'm home"

"Hay mom" Kate called,

"Hay Paige" I managed, my emotions were high and I could tell I was about to crack, I decided it was best to get out of the way. "Hay, I'm going to take Clare up" I declared as I made my way through then with a very sleepy sister in my arms. I couldn't bring myself to say anything to Kate, not after I had nearly killed her and then bit her head of all in the space of a short afternoon.

I placed her down on the bed, and she opened her eyes. I knew she had a question she always did when I was unable to answer them. "why is daddy gone?" her voice filled with innocents.

'because he don't give a damn. He cares more about been up fucking there than with his own family.' I wanted to scream but settled for the other option, "He's busy, very busy but he watches you all the time…now go to sleep kiddo. Love you"

"Wuv you to cwiss." I kissed her on the head and turned to leave, casting a glance back I noticed as she settled in. once the door was shoot and I was on the other side I stifled a laugh, "Fucking watching - my ass is he watching!" I managed to growl. If he was watching then surly he would have been able to save mom. If he was watching then surly he'd come in the times he was needed the most.

Then I turned on my way and headed back down stairs. As I came to the bottom the door opened and He walked in, my brother. He looked up at me and then we both shared a glance over towards the clock. Something, from what I could gather both of us did.

"Hay dude, what you been up to?" Wyatt asked,

This was how it was, a hay dude, a semi chat and then he left. Well tonight I had, had it the whole thing, my life and Wyatt was going to understand how I felt. "I nearly killed our sister and our cousin all in an afternoon and where the hell were you" I growled.

"Clare is she…"

"Asleep, I crashed the car Wyatt, I crashed it. I could have killed her. I could have killed my sister and all that you could manage was, Hay dude?"

"Look I don't want to talk right now…"

"You never do…well when is it okay to talk I never see you. No we are going to talk now. Tell me why you do it, why do you leave me with all the responsibilities?"

Wyatt started to walk away and as he attempted to pass me on the stairs I had lost it, I lifted my arm and took hold of his shirt. Pushing him back into the walk I screamed, "Tell me why?"

"Dude back up" HE told me, I didn't I just stood there in my anger. I needed answers.

"I just want you to tell me, why am I the one who has to worry, who gets all the responsibilities you do nothing to help me or Clare out. Paige is paying out for us…maybe your okay with that I'm not…I don't want to live off them but you never seem to be around to look after Clare so I can get a job. Why?"

"Why are you telling me this?" Wyatt asked me,

"Because you are the oldest, you are the one who is meant to look out for us"

"Says who?" He shot at me, who? Did he really need to ask that we were a family and when mom was around a pretty close family.

"We need to look out for each other, it's what mom would have wanted"

"MOM! MOM?" He was screaming now never a good thing but I was just as worked up, "Mom died Chris, do not tell me what she would have wanted"

It was then that Paige was hared, "Guys calm down, take it down"

"Mom died, and you blame me" I screamed, I knew it was true I could see it in his eyes. "Well I tried Wy, I fucking tried maybe you should ask Leo why she died, HE NEVER CAME!"

"Dad would never do that to her…"

"Chris…Wyatt, I mean It. STOP!" Paige shouted again.

"Why? Because he loved her? Hah, he doesn't know what love is…he pops up every so often, maybe he fools you, and maybe he fools this whole god damn family but he don't fool me. He left us Wyatt, he don't turn up, he don't visit. You need to start helping out around here because I can not do it all." I continued

"You do nothing…when mom was lying on the floor dying, what did you do?"

"Wyatt." Paige again tried to take control of the situation.

HE asked me that? He asked me what I did? Where the hell was he? I couldn't take it I jumped forward and got in his face, "I was here, I was here with my mom and you were not around. You were not standing by my side. You didn't have to scream for a father that never came, I did! I screamed for him. I pulled the chunks of clock out of mom, I watched her cough up the blood and fade away, me and our baby sister…You did fuck all…"

I stopped when his fist hit my face, it knocked me back into the wall. That was it, I had totally had enough so I dived forward taking him to the floor where we fought, we fought and didn't stop. Fists, heads and legs anything around, we used as objects and weapons. I felt someone holding me by that arm, it wasn't Wyatt he was under me and I continued to punch. Until who ever had me managed to drag me off of him. I didn't care who it was I pulled, and pulled against the arms that held me back. I had to hit him, I pulled against the arms blind with rage I pushed back managing to free myself but who ever had me was thrown back against the wall then I ran at him again. Noticing he was been held back by Paige I took them both to the floor. There was a scramble and eventually I managed to pull Wyatt up, and push him into the wall, landing one last punch in his face he stumbled. But pulled back quick as his knuckles crunched against my jaw – neither of us were backing down.

It was then I felt someone grab me and drag me back, wo ever had me was strong… I didn't care who it was I continued to struggle shouting towards Wyatt who Paige was once again holding back. "Sort it out Wy… be my god damn brother again"

"Chris calm down" It was Kyle's voice which filled the room – it was only then I realised it was him who was holding me back. I then noticed Clare was looking at me in shock…she should, I had taken this further than ever before. Much further. I was breathing heavy, I couldn't keep doing this. Pulling away from Kyle who let me go I turned and ran up the stairs. I need to sort this out – I needed this – the elders owed me that much. Didn't they?

I burst into the attic, and went straight over to the book. My eyes glazed over – irrational and unpredictable this was a breakdown at it's finest. "Candles" I growled holding out my hand and swiping it in front of me. As I did five candles appeared in a cluster of orbs and formed a circle. I took the lighter from my pocket, and lit them all. Then returned to where I was stood. Just in time to have Paige walk in on me. "Chris…what the hell was that?" She was confused, I'd never taken it as far as I had with Wyatt but I was fast becoming impatient with him. I didn't answer I just looked into the centre of the candles.

'Hear my words,

Hear my cry.

Power from the other side.

Come to me,

I summon the

Cross now the great divide'

I didn't need the book that was one spell I knew off by heart. I looked into the centre and nothing was happening. I repeated it this time harder. I could hear Paige talking, telling me this wouldn't work. After the second time of speaking the words and still no result I shouted up. "Give her back to me…Give her back" nothing happened, "I need her back NOW!" Still no result, a calm fell over me. This was never good, the calm at the centre of one almighty storm. I summoned all my emotions, anger, hurt, Pain and betrayal. All of it was summoned into one and with one movement of my hands I felt the power release from me an explosion was what had been created. I blew the candles across the room, and left the floor burnt. I looked at my hands in disbelief…they were shaking.

"What the hell" Paige said, looking at me. I was just as confused. I could orb, transport like she could. But this was something knew never before had I actually blown something up. Paige moved towards me, "Chris…calm down" She said, "Everything is fine"

How could she say that, "Mom's dead – nothing's fine"


End file.
